Curious About Rioting

This is Something I wrote back in April of 2015 my intention was to post it on some outlet but I suppose I never got around to it.. Well here it is:

Ok saying this may create some enemys with ppl but honestly i dont care. and if you plan on commenting please read the entire post.

but my co workers have said things that have irritated me..

"The White male is the most discriminated against"

Things about understanding dicrimination because u lived in a bad neighborhood once.

Look.... I dont think that Rioting and destroying your own neighborhood is ok. Stealing from Businesses and ruining the place you live is wrong no matter which way you look at it. Martin Luther King did a great job at creating change Peacefully. And i believe thats how it should be handled.

But i also think that at some point you break. And hearing about ur ppl consistently dying at the hand of the people who are supposed to protect us and constantly being judged anywhere you go... it gets hard.. and when people get emotional and angry... they react. Its Human nature.

Yes we are a ppl who have evolved and should act in that manner.. but animalistic nature comes out during our toughest time. Have you ever hit someone? thrown your phone? screamed? these are not rational things to do.. however they happen..  The severity of the situation dictates the severity of the reaction.

again im not saying its right.. just that i can understand how it happens.

The arguement that forever comes back.. is white ppl get killed too.. or if it was a white person it wouldnt have even made the news...

but it isnt Only about the deaths.. its about the consistent discrimination and ignorance that people keep acting like doesnt exist. People keep forgetting that the 60's were not that long ago. That there are still ppl alive who still hate black ppl.. There was a guy who was hanging from a tree no longer than 2 months ago... and yet people keep saying that rasicism isnt that bad or present. Because u dont participate or chose to ignore it doesnt make it any less real

And we cant say with a 100% certainty that if we were put in the exact same situation we wouldnt react Exactly the same. 

Curious About The Justification Of Hurting people

We all live in a world where people hurt each other.
Where people live for only themselves..
and..
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand how u can openly hurt someone and simply just not care.
or
what goes through your mind as a justification.
We justify Murder.
We justify Rape.
We justify Abuse, mental or physical.
and what is the justification..?
What’s going through the rapist head?
How does this person make this ok?
We are all born as babies... with such purity and innocence. At what point do we change? At what does the justification begin?
At what point do we see someone and think "I am going to hurt you...because..."
WHAT IS THE BECAUSE?
because... it will benefit me
because... I will feel 'empowered'
because... they will feel week

but when we are born... we are programmed with right and wrong.. we are programmed with a conscience and common sense... 


See, the thing is, is that everyone has a story but not everyone get to tell it. So that person that rapes a little girl.. what happened to him? No one cares after he rapes her... at that point he is only a disgusting piece of shit.. but what if, what if someone would have cared for him BEFORE... before he raped anyone or before a women kills her children.

What if someone would have just asked.... "Are You Ok?"... "How Are You Doing?"
We are all so selfish, we are all about us and what is going to benefit us..
And we don’t really care about any one else anymore. We don’t care about asking people if they are ok, telling them they look nice or even just saying Good Job
Things that would take 3 seconds out of our life to say, Might be the one thing that someone needed to hear
and I guess, I guess it isn’t that simple.. because..
maybe no one asked us if we are ok or how we are doing or "what’s going on with you today"... or..

"How was your childhood?.."
"Are you ok?"
"How are you dealing with it??"

Because I know it is in the past and all of us have an expectation for people to just get over things!
And that’s not ok.
They will get over whatever they need to get over in the time it takes them to get over it.
However, they may need someone to talk to...
So they can say "IM MAD"
"I'm hurt"
"and I HATE this.."
Let them feel feelings and let that be ok.
Let some one say.. "That really sucks..I’m sorry. You can talk to me. and I’m Here"
Nobody says those things anymore.. no one really cares.


We see people and we have absolutely no connection to them.
We have more connection to people over the internet, People on websites... then we do to actual people..
Then to the people right in front of you.

And I'm the crazy one..
Because I see people and I wonder about them..

You can have the worst day in the world and see people all around you having the time of their lives..
And absolutely no one knows or cares what’s going on with you.. and you just want to scream
("Alone in a room full of people"... My family has always said this)

We can all put on a face..wear a mask
We can all make it look perfect.. make it look ok...
but..
Are You Really????

You never know when that breaking point is for someone..
When they are.. done..
Done.. Wearing a mask
Done.. Pretending.
Then
They want people to feel what they feel
and
See what they have seen



Why not just ask..
Why not just say "hey, How are you doing today"

Even something as simple as a compliment
Someone can have a terrible day.. and you don’t know that.. because you don’t care to ask.
I mean nobody really does.
We say "How are you" and "Have a good day" in Passing and no one actually means it.
They are words. They are cordial.
But no one actually means it.

When someone asks "How are you Today?"
A clerk
A Random person who holds the door open for you..
Default response "I’m good, How are you?"

Superficial answers to superficial questions.

Because When people ask how you are they rarely ever care.
They only care about how quickly you respond and how quickly they can go about their day.



Look.. Watch yourself..
You will ask.. "how are you"
But I dare you.. Next time you ask how are you..
Actually care about the response.
LISTEN.. to what they are going to say.


I'm Guilty of this myself
But I’m trying to care about what is being said.
Care about people.

We are all so quick to judge..
We all want stuff..

We are walking around with our droid Phones, our Ipads, our Iphones...
Our new cars..

and the truth is We have stopped caring about each other..

Politics... and... stuff..
Has gotten in the way of us caring about people..
and their hearts. Their feelings..
and it SUCKS


You have all these people.. All these really great people..
Who hit that breaking point and are just done..
Done.. Being hurt..
Done.. Being sad..

Its all just superficial

So next time you lie to someone..
ask them how they are
Break someone’s heart
Or you physically hurt someone..
ask yourself why..
Why did I do this?
Why am I doing this?
What makes it ok?
What justifies this in my head to hurt this person??

Because I cant figure it out.
I’m guilty of the same shit and yet I Can Not figure it out.

Why we do it..
For self benefit..
Hurting someone else is not a benefit.. its just cruel.

I have been mad at the world for a long time..... So mad at them for hurting me..
So mad at God, For putting me in certain situations.
And why?
Because its life and its what happens.
I’m Still Alive
I’m Still Given other chances
Given opportunities to be there for people
and to love people
and yet.. and yet
I’m just as selfish..
I have my droid phone, my new car.. and I ask the empty questions..

This is what I’m going to work on..

Asking "how are you" Genuinely and caring
Learning how to listen.. to slow down and listen
to see..
To embrace all that is around me and all the opportunities I am given

Curious About Islam

My Boifriend Is Muslim.
I have been dating him for about a year and never once has he pushed his religion on me or..
even metioned it to me.
That is wonderful, because im the kind of person who waits armed and ready for the chance to combat religion and argue every reason why organized religion isnt right..how it is judgemental and Harsh. How God didnt want us to get caught up in condeming others.

I waited and waited for the moment he would say something to me about it..so i could do my thing and make sure he knew how i felt about it.. but nothing. not even the sligthest remark.

I had been around muslims prior to us dating and knew the very very very basics of Islam.

It started to frustrate me that he wasnt saying anything about it.
So, I begun to ask my own questions, and lets be honest I wasnt just asking out of curiousity but more so to start the conversation so I could find the faults in Islam.
As condescending as I was...He took every question Seriously and answered it, With out ever talking down to me..but honestly trying to help me understand. and he would reassure me that it was ok that some stuff was weird for me because I didnt grow up with it.

I think this bothered me the most. The fact that I was being a rude and stuck up and he answered every question simply and with out an ounce of judgement in his voice.. It caught me off guard.... esspecially because I knew the kind of lifestyle I lead and where he grew up.

(The fact that he could answer my questions suprised me enough...Christians couldnt answer those question for the 19 years i had been asking)

He knew practically everything I had done and knew alot of things were completely against Islam.. and yet i still never felt judged.

I can not explain the kind of happiness this brings me.. I was raised Christian but not really. We went to church sometimes, my mother was open about alot of things. She told me it was ok to believe what ever i wanted,... so I believed everything... bits and pieces of it all. I never felt complete.. so, the one thing I clung to was not believing in organized religion. "many paths to the same destination" as my aunt told me. I still believe that... but not as much anymore.


I have been searching for "The Answers". We all are I suppose. I have been looking for.. well im not sure what but I felt like I would know when i found it.



Here I am..no religion having...no beliefe in anything.. preaching my beliefe in everything.. judging the world for there judgement...
Soap Box.
Hypocrite.
Looking at a man who has not said one condescending word to me.
and judging him..


One night we were sitting on the porch and it was the first time I didnt have my gaurd up while talking about religion... and I broke a little and said...

"I dont know what is right"

He replied with "I think you do, I just think that you are scared"

Ever since that moment I have no been able to stop thinking about Islam.
Asking questions..
Trying to further understand.
Reading.

While digging for the answers about Islam I found and am finding answers about myself.


Im thinking about converting...but that is one of the biggest commitments.


Im scared.
I have always thought of myself as a person who doesnt care what other people think and yet I fear telling people I want to convert because of the stigma and Judgement of Islam in America.

The more im thinking about it the more im beginning to not care. people will have there thoughts and there opinions.... And I will have God. 

Curious about goodbyes

Hello...
I have recently submitted a transfere with in my company to move to another state.... im more happy than you can imagin.
this town leaves a bitter taste in my mouth... very little happiness. and the happy memories are now just vague images of wat wasnt real.

my transfere was accepted...and i feel like i cant leave without saying goodbye...

but saying goodbye might hurt to bad. it would mean...facing ppl and places i turned away from awhile ago....

im scared and i dont know wat the right thing is.

Curious about the Addict Addicted to Addiction

Hi, My name is Alysia.. And I am an addict.
I am addicted to Cigarettes.
I am addicted to coffee.
I am addicted to Love.
I am addicted to the human condition.
I am addicted to Alcohol.

I have lived with addiction my entire life.

Not personally, with any addiction of mine, but more watching others live in their addictions.
It made me addicted to addiction.
Intrigued almost.

Im thrilled by the drive of an addict. And the beauty an addict sees.
The world is clearer once you have seen both sides of the spectrum.
The addict needs nothing but an addiction.
That support of something that is theirs and only theirs.

Truth is being raised by addicts, makes you an addicts. Some say that addiction is genetic, I'm not sure if i believe them..but f it is true.... well, then it is only logical that I am an addict.

If nothing else, when put in an environment full of addicts, we become curious. Curious to what the addiction feels like. Why it is so power full and why it is, sometimes, the only thing that can drive the addict.

Drugs. Sex. Music. Poetry. things that move you.. that make your head a little foggy and lessen the blow.
Easy to become addicted, not so easy to become Unaddicted.


I started my journey simply wanting to know.. wanting answers to things that had no direct question. Why? How? What is this? why wont it go away? How do you stop and start? WHY?

As we all know, why is never a question that is answered easy.. asking an addict why.. they will give you how it happened. What life events brought them to their addiction...How it spiriled out of control...how that became their control how they didnt want to lose control..


Facts.. well facts are not what i was looking for...
I needed someone to explain it deep and detailed. From the heart... I needed to know the feelings.. the goose bumbs.. the lost thoughts.. the tummy turning gut wrenching feeling of lack of.. and want for. That empty feeling....so empty that life and its daily trials begin being questioned. God being questioned. Lost in an addiction. Lost in a world full of people. And Needing the answers your self.


I could never get that through words. I wanted and need  to feel and expirence it first hand..

And it became my Addiction.... to be addicted and to find the answers to my questions.
Does that make sense.
to watch your own mother search for change to buy a drink. It changes you.
curiousity becomes and obsession. obessions turns into addiction
and my final thought is

maybe if i i am an adict They will love me.
If I am like them.. then we will be a real family

not the estranged family we have been. lies on top of lies masked in honest truths.
but raw. real. vulnerable.
maybe if they look at me as if i am a mirror of them then we will be our own version of normal.

Hello Blog World

This Is my first Blog. I want to write about things that MIGHT matter to people. However, Im just going to keep it simple, With a H, Hello, How are you. This is also Kind of a trial to see how this whole blogging thing works :)