Curious About Islam

My Boifriend Is Muslim.
I have been dating him for about a year and never once has he pushed his religion on me or..
even metioned it to me.
That is wonderful, because im the kind of person who waits armed and ready for the chance to combat religion and argue every reason why organized religion isnt right..how it is judgemental and Harsh. How God didnt want us to get caught up in condeming others.

I waited and waited for the moment he would say something to me about it..so i could do my thing and make sure he knew how i felt about it.. but nothing. not even the sligthest remark.

I had been around muslims prior to us dating and knew the very very very basics of Islam.

It started to frustrate me that he wasnt saying anything about it.
So, I begun to ask my own questions, and lets be honest I wasnt just asking out of curiousity but more so to start the conversation so I could find the faults in Islam.
As condescending as I was...He took every question Seriously and answered it, With out ever talking down to me..but honestly trying to help me understand. and he would reassure me that it was ok that some stuff was weird for me because I didnt grow up with it.

I think this bothered me the most. The fact that I was being a rude and stuck up and he answered every question simply and with out an ounce of judgement in his voice.. It caught me off guard.... esspecially because I knew the kind of lifestyle I lead and where he grew up.

(The fact that he could answer my questions suprised me enough...Christians couldnt answer those question for the 19 years i had been asking)

He knew practically everything I had done and knew alot of things were completely against Islam.. and yet i still never felt judged.

I can not explain the kind of happiness this brings me.. I was raised Christian but not really. We went to church sometimes, my mother was open about alot of things. She told me it was ok to believe what ever i wanted,... so I believed everything... bits and pieces of it all. I never felt complete.. so, the one thing I clung to was not believing in organized religion. "many paths to the same destination" as my aunt told me. I still believe that... but not as much anymore.


I have been searching for "The Answers". We all are I suppose. I have been looking for.. well im not sure what but I felt like I would know when i found it.



Here I am..no religion having...no beliefe in anything.. preaching my beliefe in everything.. judging the world for there judgement...
Soap Box.
Hypocrite.
Looking at a man who has not said one condescending word to me.
and judging him..


One night we were sitting on the porch and it was the first time I didnt have my gaurd up while talking about religion... and I broke a little and said...

"I dont know what is right"

He replied with "I think you do, I just think that you are scared"

Ever since that moment I have no been able to stop thinking about Islam.
Asking questions..
Trying to further understand.
Reading.

While digging for the answers about Islam I found and am finding answers about myself.


Im thinking about converting...but that is one of the biggest commitments.


Im scared.
I have always thought of myself as a person who doesnt care what other people think and yet I fear telling people I want to convert because of the stigma and Judgement of Islam in America.

The more im thinking about it the more im beginning to not care. people will have there thoughts and there opinions.... And I will have God. 

Curious about goodbyes

Hello...
I have recently submitted a transfere with in my company to move to another state.... im more happy than you can imagin.
this town leaves a bitter taste in my mouth... very little happiness. and the happy memories are now just vague images of wat wasnt real.

my transfere was accepted...and i feel like i cant leave without saying goodbye...

but saying goodbye might hurt to bad. it would mean...facing ppl and places i turned away from awhile ago....

im scared and i dont know wat the right thing is.

Curious about the Addict Addicted to Addiction

Hi, My name is Alysia.. And I am an addict.
I am addicted to Cigarettes.
I am addicted to coffee.
I am addicted to Love.
I am addicted to the human condition.
I am addicted to Alcohol.

I have lived with addiction my entire life.

Not personally, with any addiction of mine, but more watching others live in their addictions.
It made me addicted to addiction.
Intrigued almost.

Im thrilled by the drive of an addict. And the beauty an addict sees.
The world is clearer once you have seen both sides of the spectrum.
The addict needs nothing but an addiction.
That support of something that is theirs and only theirs.

Truth is being raised by addicts, makes you an addicts. Some say that addiction is genetic, I'm not sure if i believe them..but f it is true.... well, then it is only logical that I am an addict.

If nothing else, when put in an environment full of addicts, we become curious. Curious to what the addiction feels like. Why it is so power full and why it is, sometimes, the only thing that can drive the addict.

Drugs. Sex. Music. Poetry. things that move you.. that make your head a little foggy and lessen the blow.
Easy to become addicted, not so easy to become Unaddicted.


I started my journey simply wanting to know.. wanting answers to things that had no direct question. Why? How? What is this? why wont it go away? How do you stop and start? WHY?

As we all know, why is never a question that is answered easy.. asking an addict why.. they will give you how it happened. What life events brought them to their addiction...How it spiriled out of control...how that became their control how they didnt want to lose control..


Facts.. well facts are not what i was looking for...
I needed someone to explain it deep and detailed. From the heart... I needed to know the feelings.. the goose bumbs.. the lost thoughts.. the tummy turning gut wrenching feeling of lack of.. and want for. That empty feeling....so empty that life and its daily trials begin being questioned. God being questioned. Lost in an addiction. Lost in a world full of people. And Needing the answers your self.


I could never get that through words. I wanted and need  to feel and expirence it first hand..

And it became my Addiction.... to be addicted and to find the answers to my questions.
Does that make sense.
to watch your own mother search for change to buy a drink. It changes you.
curiousity becomes and obsession. obessions turns into addiction
and my final thought is

maybe if i i am an adict They will love me.
If I am like them.. then we will be a real family

not the estranged family we have been. lies on top of lies masked in honest truths.
but raw. real. vulnerable.
maybe if they look at me as if i am a mirror of them then we will be our own version of normal.

Hello Blog World

This Is my first Blog. I want to write about things that MIGHT matter to people. However, Im just going to keep it simple, With a H, Hello, How are you. This is also Kind of a trial to see how this whole blogging thing works :)